My dad is an expert in negotiation (btw, that's not my dad in the photo).
Sadly, I'm not sure I learned much from him. I can't haggle for a lower price on a car. I can't negotiate a salary. My chief negotiating technique is the "cave in." Not good.
But deep down, I believe one thing about conflict: it's constructive. If you're arguing with somebody about something, it's important. It means something to both of you. It may not mean what you think it means (ie, the conflict may not really be about the "thing" that you're arguing about), but it means something. If you can work your way through it, there is a way for you and the person with whom you're arguing to benefit.
One conflict-transformation organization I love is Search for Common Ground. They do some of the more creative peacemaking work around the world.
On their website, they post these practical guidelines for transforming any conflict into a positive outcome:
Tips for Transforming Conflict (from The Search for Common Ground)
Most of us are aware that there is a constructive way to deal with conflict. Typically called a win-win, collaborative or cooperative approach, it can be applied to all kinds of conflict, from small everyday disputes between individuals to large ones that divide communities. So, how do we move from an adversarial approach to a common ground approach? Here are a few tips that might help:
- Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life:
Conflict is the natural result of differences in the world.- Treat conflict as an opportunity:
Conflicts are neither positive nor negative in themselves.- Be aware of your initial reaction and take a deep breath.
- Choose your approach:
There are always choices in a conflict. Some conflicts are just not worth dealing with.- Listen and learn:
Ask questions and listen. We all want to be heard and understood.- Discover what's important:
Disagreements over positions can cloud our common interests.- Respect each other.
- Be creative:
There are always many different ways to solve a problem and meet a need.
Here’s what I think (with some parts having been re-composed so as not to offend some sensitivities):
ReplyDelete1. Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life:
Accept the fact that if I am bigger, stronger, smarter, richer, more authoritative than you, then consequently I can beat the the living daylights out of you any time, any place, so there really isn’t, wasn’t or never will be any conflict between you and me. This would be the only natural difference between you and me in the world.
On the other hand if I am NOT bigger, stronger, smarter, richer, more authoritative than you, then consequently the natural result of this difference in the world between you an me necessitates that I try to kick you in the family jewels (if you are male) when you aren’t looking, try to charm you and win your affection (if you are female), or run like heck and/or hide.
2. Treat conflict as an opportunity:
The opportunity that conflicts will afford me are either: ‘I win, you lose,’ or ‘you win, I lose’. In the case of me winning and you loosing that is neither positive nor negative because who cares? I win anyway. In the case of you winning and me loosing, then this too is neither positive nor negative ‘in themselves’ because Einstein said everything is relative anyway.
3. Be aware of your initial reaction and take a deep breath.
In a state of conflict, whosever initial reaction is to be as if soiling their pants from fear, then that person needs to take a deep breath in order to fully realize that it’s ‘game over’.
4. Choose your approach:
Refer to #1 above in order to determine if the conflict is worth dealing with.
5. Listen and learn:
When a conflict arises ask questions for the solution so that you can then answer any questions with a solution. Everyone will then understand and say in agreement, “I hear ya.”
6. Discover what's important:
All disagreements share a common ground with interests relative (here we go with Einstein again) to our positions that winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing that’s important.
7. Respect each other.
It’s what Jesus would do.
8. Be creative:
I was trying to be.
Peace,
- Me From Cali
I'd be interested in how your observations are borne out in your experience with conflict.
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