The PCUSA and Children of Divorce

This is the week. The folks are about to get divorced.

I know. It had to happen. Life together wasn't working anymore. And it hadn't been working for a long time. They haven't been spending time together. They definitely haven't slept with each other for a looong while. It's over. It's time for one "parent" to go off on their own and start a new life.

It's hopeful, in a way. No more bickering. No more arguments with no winners, only losers. Maybe life apart will be better for both parents. More peace, less anger.

But there are the children to think about. I am one of those children. I am a child of the PCUSA who came of age in in the 90s in the era of the "homosexuality debates" that tore the family apart. I have never really known a church in which fighting did not dominate the denomination's culture. The debate was the primary organizing and evangelistic tool when I was a young adult - if you were going to participate in the wider church, and you were 18-30, you were heavily recruited to "take sides."

The parents always wanted you to take their side. They never acknowledged the gifts, the insights, the goodness of the other. When it's life-and-death and the stakes of the pending divorce are high, you can't afford to yield ground. In private, they confessed their pain to their children, talked about their wounds. But in public, it was unforgiving. Unyielding.

Initially, I thought one parent was right. After a while, I found myself less and less willing to take sides. I wanted to see the goodness (and the sin) in both parents. Really, what I wanted was for them to stay together. For the sake of their children. For the sake of the Christ, the one who (they taught me) reconciles the world.

I guess not. Or not yet. Or not us Presbyterians.

I wish both parents well. I want them to be happy in their new lives apart - happiness that was plainly impossible together. But I also want them to know that their decision to divorce is causing pain. I want them to know that. I want them to know that the pain will live on for a long, long time, in the way their children think, speak, and act toward other members of the family.

I wish the parents well. I hope life gets better from here. But I ask them to remember, when all is done, that they still have a commitment to the well-being of their children... children who will always and forevermore be children of divorce.

On that note, here's a bit of wisdom from the American Academy of Adolescent and Child Psychiatry on the effects of divorce on children. Apply it as you will:

One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children's lives.

While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved, and what will happen to them.

Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together with your spouse.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.

Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce.

Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child. Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being is vital.