We tend not to evaluate worship. It's better not to (unless you're a congregational worship committee, in which case you have to be brutally honest). Two people can sit right next to each other at worship and have completely different experiences. Completely. Different. Experiences. One person is enchanted, moved, enriched; the other is inert, mind wandering, off-put. You just can't evaluate worship according to subjective experience.
But imagine my experience of last night's Pride worship: imagine preparing to talk on God and sexuality and church with someone that you've never met. One thing I would NOT do: talk didactically for 20 minutes without giving them a chance to respond. That's what I did. You understand some of the awkwardness I felt preaching. Talking to a group of people about the Bible, sex, God, and mercy--people I'd never met, who didn't get a chance to say, "hold on! That's not how I see it." I felt lonely in the pulpit. I think my attempts at humor also felt forced. Oy vey.
Worship is an intimate performance. It's a stage show that needs gifted, capable leaders and a coherent storyline that intersections at multiple places with the life stories of the worshiping community. I try to create every worship with thoughtfulness about the emotional and spiritual needs of the community with which it will be shared. I find it excruciating, as with last night, to try and prepare worship and a sermon for a community that I don't know. My experience often has been that large pieces of the worship fall flat. I felt that last night, about my own participation. Worship without the leader having an intimate knowledge of the community almost never feels "right" to me.
Worship is a strange experience. It's amazing, with the individual egos never far from the surface, that it ever works. But occasionally, it does. And when it does, it builds people up into healthy, whole humans like nothing else I know can.
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On a broader note, it's an awkward moment for LGBTQ organizing in the Atlanta Presbytery. We accomplished a significant goal this year, removing constitutional language that was antagonistic to LGBTQ persons. That was a 15-year struggle. Now... what? A generation of Spirit-inspired leaders is stepping back. There are lots of young leaders, but it seems like we're waiting to be organized. Waiting. For whom or for what?
It's noteworthy, I think, that you begin this post with some thoughts re: subjective experience.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that parts of your Pride worship "performance" felt flat, forced. And while one's gut should never be ignored, I'll bet you *did* connect.
You're an exceedingly gifted speaker, able to bring heart-feelings to life with inspired words. This is something that, while you work at it, seems very much built into you.
Allow the possibility that your subjective experience may have been very different from that of the assembled. Also, have a great weekend.