Who are we to one another?
I was drawn into a deep conversation yesterday by a friend who wondered whether he and I were to be life-long friends, or friends "for a season." It was a poignant moment. He and I have shared some precious experiences together. We have allowed one another to see some very vulnerable parts of ourselves. But keeping up the relationship has been hard. We don't see one another or talk often.
Have you ever reflected on why you remain friends with people over time? Is longevity in friendship a choice? Instead of a choice, is it possible that we "decide" based on a million and one subconscious factors that definitively shape that "decision" far before it ever becomes something we consciously think about?
I'm leaning toward the latter. I was, am, and always will be an introvert. I have taken very few friends "with me" from elementary school on through. Maybe that's a function of moving from NC to Ohio when I was 9--perhaps one enduring lesson of that move was that I never treated friendship as forever. I tend to treat each season of life as an autonomous time. I don't expect friends to carry through.
I have this sense that I have a "friendship account" from which I can draw emotional energy to sustain friendships. I tend to use up a lot of that account on a few people in my life. When I feel the balance in the account dwindling, I close down relationships that aren't part of that inner circle. I tend to feel either that my account is perpetually small and so it sustains only a few friendships, or I expend large amounts of emotional energy on a few people, so I don't have "enough" emotional capital for a wide array of friendships.
Is that all just an excuse for having few friendships, or is that real?
How do your friendships work? Do you choose them? How do you know how long they are supposed to last? What influences that decision? Is it a conscious decision at all?
Interesting. I have been chewing on this exact topic for a time. My best friend has been my best friend for 9 years now. We have stayed bffs even when we were seperated by sea when they were in japan, and I was in america. I think like anything worth having, a great relationship takes work. Not the kind of work that drains you-fun work. When my best friend calls at 2 am, and I have to get up for work at 5, I answer the phone. Thats work, thats dedication, but its good kind of work because that hour phone conversation will feed me, as much as it does them. I feel it is a choice to make the friendship work.That choice is made by how much you are getting and giving in the relationship. If both parties feel the friendship is nutritional emotionally-then it will grow, and deepen, no matter how far apart the friends are.
ReplyDeleteIt has been my observation that people who seem to have a lot of friends may not be relating to others at a deeper level, this is not to say it's a negative thing, but their contacts in general may be more social, and superficial by choice.
ReplyDeleteThen there are some who only have a few friends, or even social outlets, but they experience their relationships more intensely, thus there is not room, or need for as many outlets.
I don't think it is a function of good or bad, but merely how different people work, or are made.
Sometimes people surprise you by sharing what is really going on in their life. I find most people, extroverted and introverted, are more private than you think, and that close friends are, by their very definition few and to be treasured.