Labor Day Sabbath

Sundays.

Sundays are exhausting. They begin with a rush between 8 and 9, after the dog has been walked, to get a bite of breakfast, feed the boy, pack the boy's lunch and bag for the day, tend to any last-minute preparations for church, shower, get dressed in something that doesn't have too many spots or wrinkles, and get on the subway to church.

I'm always late.

This morning, James came with me to the nursery, so I had my briefcase and his bag swung over opposite shoulders as I carried him down four flights of stairs from our apartment and pushed him in the stroller to the subway station, and the several blocks from the 28th St. Station to the church. It's always a little bit of a chaotic scene, as I'm rushing (did I mention I'm always late?). The weather doesn't always cooperate (today was a bit muggy, so I began sweating).

Get to the church (9:20 today), feeling a bit raggedy and wishing that I felt more "spiritual." I wish I could float in on a cloud, on a spiritual high, delighted to be "in the place where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." But usually I just feel harried. But as I walk the last block to the church, I say a prayer and warm up my heart and put on a smile.

James settles in with our great nursery staff, and I head to Bible study. My co-teacher already has the discussion well underway. Bible study today was small--the faithful few who finished up the "Bible in 90 Days" marathon class I've been leading this summer. We few had a good discussion. We wondered, among other things, who Jesus really is, and whether Revelation is an appropriate end to the Scriptures.

Rushed upstairs to my office at 10:15 to robe up. We're in ordinary time (that's what this liturgical season is called) and the color is green, so I put on my green stole. I get as many comments about whether my tie "matches" my stole as anything else in a given Sunday. I wore a green tie today. I got lots of complements on how well I'd matched.

Into the elders and deacons room to kibbutz with the 6 or so elders and deacons and the clergy. We chat and pray and then enter the sanctuary together.

Service was nice today--great sermon by our resident Bible scholar, Carol Perry, who always preaches Labor Day weekend. Great music. I felt like a piece of cardboard sitting up there today. Did the invocation and scripture reading, then sat there. It's always weird to sit in front, wearing this big black robe and try and look interested and penitent and holy for a whole service. I have to laugh at the right times and look serious and deep at the right times. I often find that my mind wanders (whose doesn't?). I do like to look out at the congregation. I see lots of familiar faces. I always notice when someone doesn't move in to the pew when a new person arrives, but makes the person climb over them--I send daggers with my eyes. I also notice who's not singing during the hymns. How can you go to church and not sing? The best theology's in the music! I sing loudly, and feel sheepish when I accidentally sing the wrong verse (which happens one hymn in three).

One of the worst parts of being a minister is that you can't really worship anymore, unless you go to another church. Leading worship, I don't experience worship as a believer--I feel like part of the cast.

I drew the "slow" door after service, so I only had to greet for a short time today. Usually, it takes me 20-30 minutes to greet at one of the two "busy" doors. The "slow" door only takes about 10. For an introvert like me, this is nice.

I wandered through coffee hour, and chatted people up for 30 minutes or so, then went up to the nursery to check on James. He lights up when he sees me, which is, by far, the best part of my day. I feed him some yogurt, then leave him (he cries for about 20 seconds, then moves on) to go up and work. Before I do, I grab curry at the Pakistani place next door.

Tried to do some organizing at my desk, but got bogged down in endless emails and phone messages. Tried to figure out if Gustav is going to hit New Orleans and wasted too much time online. Beth picks up James at 2:30 and my premarital session shows up at 3. They are a wonderful couple, and talkative. I schedule 90 minutes, but we go until 5. Wrap up and leave at 5:30. Lots of things left on the desk, waiting for me.

I wonder what I've done for God today. Have I advanced the cause of the Kingdom? Has my work enriched others, or just left me depleted? Parish ministry is this bizarre thing. I so love the being in community, being in relationship with people, sharing life. I love being a community of spiritual searchers; I love being a pastor-teacher. But so many days, being a pastor feels like something that's easier to love in concept than in practice.

This dichotomy represents my current learning curve--how to find a better balance in my work, so that what I do and what I love are aligning.

But today, I need a Sabbath from the Sabbath. Thank goodness, tomorrow, I have it.