I live in city with perhaps a million young people with a college degree. These are my own peers. And most of them don't go to church. And I spend all day in one.I often feel like the odd man out... the one who didn't get "the memo."
But on my better days, I think perhaps that the folks who aren't in church are the ones who are missing something real and true and good.
My church is a fascinating place because it is a transitional zone between "churched" and "unchurched." We're a church with a very low bar of entry. You don't have to believe much or have a specific theological leaning to be comfortable in our congregation. You aren't told you're going to hell if you don't believe in Jesus. We don't do any brow-beating or undue arm-twisting to become "one of the flock." People come, as they are, and they see who we are... and if it fits, they stay. We also don't require that you be a member to have a child baptized here or to get married here.
These factors put me in contact with a high number of people who have significant educational backgrounds but have only marginal relationships to "organized religion." And as often as I can, I ask them about their own history with religion. And usually, folks are eager to be asked--and they talk to me about why they haven't been coming to any church regularly.
The single biggest reason that I find that these educated folks (most of whom have some kind of past history with religion) don't participate in religions communities is... THEY'RE OUT OF PRACTICE.
Seriously. They're out of practice. They drifted away in their teens or 20s (often during college), they gravitated to cities where young professional urban life carried them off in a rapidly-moving current of money-making and socializing that put church attendance on a priority level next to canning fruit... and by the time they figured out they had inclinations and/or curiosities about religion and questions of deeper meaning and belonging, they have no idea where to go.
If you don't go to church from the time you're 18 until the time you're 30, what would make you start again? The perceived barriers to entrance are also SO high. First and foremost is that if you live in New York, you're still making the decision to swim upstream against the habits of your peers (and even your romantic partner). And how do you go about finding a church where people aren't nut-cases, as so many Christians are caricatured to be? How do you go about finding a church where people care about the intellect, about gender and race, where the preaching is good, where people will understand your tattoos, your sexuality, your learned hostility to some kinds of religion, where people will let you feel out the community at your own speed on your own terms, and not crush you immediately into hosting the coffee hour or re-working your whole worldview so that it fits neatly with the church's doctrinal teachings? Where can you go that's not too ritualistic nor too stuffy and WASP-y?
I know not everyone has ALL of these questions--but they're hang-ups and barriers that I've heard from some people at some point over my last 3 years in ministry.
The main reason young adults don't go to church is that they're out of practice and the barriers to re-entry are prohibitively high.
Instead, people find spiritual outlets that are fully independent of organized religion. They do some yoga. Take walks or runs to commune with nature. Read soulful books. Go to or host dinner parties. All good things. But, I think, not enough to satisfy our deeper longings to feel a part of a moral, caring community; nor deep enough to address fundamental human issues like death, suffering, justice, alienation.
I sometimes wish I could sit with a megaphone on the church steps and say, "Hey, you in the (pea coat/J.Crew raincoat/rubber boots/wingtips). I know it's been a while since you've been in one of these places. But it's really OK in here. Trust me. Come in and sit down. It's like riding a bike...."
I always get the look. I am an out gay man, so when I start off a sentence with "my church", I get the look. The raised eye brow sort of response. I have even heard people say "Really, you go to church?" People are shocked, that a gay male would have the need or want to be in a religious community. Then they jump to conclusions..........oh you must be celabite ..or in the closet etc. So I think I have an unfair advantage in bringing people into Marble, David. When people see that a black gay man can be accepted into this church, they start thinking hmmmmmmmm this church sounds interesting, if they can accept someone so seemingly outside of the "norm", maybe I will feel comfortable there. That is why I feel like I can get people to the church. I know that if they will just come to one wewo service, one connection meeting, one sunday, they will see how open and loving church can be. I can certainly understand the hang-ups with church. I had them myself, but being raised southern baptist, I went regardless of whether the preacher was telling me I was going to hell or not. In my house where I was raised, if it was Sunday you were in church. There was no discussion to be had. Now I have come to love church, because of the people there, and the relationships I have forged and the true God feeling I get when I enter the building. I know it sounds warm and fuzzy, tree hugging hippy dippy, but I feel the prescence of the Lord at church, much more than I do when I am reading the bible alone, or studying on my own.
ReplyDeleteDang! I wish I would have read this before I sent you that email! I feel sometimes, and particularly as of late, that i'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I'm TOO churched. I grew up heavily immersed in it. I feel most comfortable when i'm extremely active in it. I come from a family where the only friends you had came from church. Heaven forbid you have a friend that wasn't a Christian. Yet, in a city like New York, where so many Young Adults don't attend church, i'm finding that typical method of relationship building (i.e. through and inside of church) isn't doing squat for my social life. I've finally realized that what worked in the suburbs of Pennsylvania, and the suburbs of DC, doesn't work in the city of New York. If I want the type of community that I claim to desire, chances are i'm not going to find it in church, or atleast most of it. It took me 3 years to figure that out... :/
ReplyDeleteYes, while that is true. People become out of practice. People also do not know that the yearnings of the heart, ego, mind and soul are still there. And...they have found other things of their life that are reachable instead. Money, hyper-individualism, thus seeking to fill the holes of the human heart with "things" or just utter detachment from soul filling relationships.
ReplyDeleteA church cannot assume that the folks of our generation are out of practice. But rather, like in the movie the Matrix, they are controlled, led and influenced by a culture and world around them that the cannot see touch or hear. Does the church challenge these issues. Does yours?
I think of the gay man who has come out and only to find the Adonis-laden, hyper-sexualized gay community - gives accetance - but does it give holistic health? Where as a church such as yours can provide shelter for acceptance for the whole person.
Has the church that is open and affirming challenging the culture this man or woman has found once entering the city. Does it challenge escapism for maturity?
The yuppie who has fallen out of church life has found the desires of her heart in money, ego and accomplishment at work. They are what she may live for now. Has the church unveiled to her that those desires are normal, but that she is now possibly a slave to her career, ego, fashion?
The church of today cannot say "oh, they are out of practice," rather the church must offer the young adult the "red pill" and show them how far the rabbit hole goes.
Our generartion was not raised with or nurtured into ideals of community, service, and God. Yet, we were raised with less issues of sexism and racism as a plus.
Yet... MTV, pop up adds and commercial have gotten to our minds and appetites in such a way that they propel us to live a life that we did not ask for, but we were nurtured for. Our culture has created consumers to seek fulfillment of self and not each other.
This nation has created a generation of consumers. We are blind to the appatites and fears we have, because sadly many times they are not our own. They are deposited in our mind by the rapid influx of messages by news reports and commercials.
Can the church teach that our souls are restless until they rest in you O, God (to quote Augustine). If a church does not, it becomes a consumer item a young adult can readily reject.
In the interests of brevity, I'll simply volunteer that my past experience with organized religion was the OPPOSITE of inclusive acceptance. Attendance at Marble challenges my old prejudices against the church (organized religion) every week. My family doesn't relate to my enthusiasm for 'Church', and because we all went to the same church together while I was growing up, I can understand why. Marble is a very special collection of people, and I am reminded of that on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I've been going to Marble long enough to believe in a "Marble Miracle" (not a full-out loaves and fishes type of thing, just an example of the universe giving you just what you need at the time) and I think I just had one. On this dark and rainy afternoon I came back to the home office from a day of meetings done with work but at loose ends. Pop in a video? Go to the movies? Gym? Snack? Clean the bathroom? I checked my e-mail and found one from Marble. I backtracked from the e-mail to the Marble site to the staff listing and read your bio. I've long been a fan of yours, but hadn't known much about you. Tantalized to find that you're a fellow Yale alum, I decided to Google you, thus finding this, your blog. It was just what I needed this afternoon. Reading back through your blog moved me in some inexplicable way and I found myself reading your posts with tears running down my face. Not since Anne Lamott's "This American Life" segment on her church years ago have I been this affected by someone's account of their religious/spiritual life. Don't ask how, but as a gay Jew I have wound up a member of the Marble community, and your blog has re-confirmed my commitment to remain part of this remarkable community. We need you there and appreciate the spirit you bring. I'm going to come to one of your Wednesday evening services and I'll introduce myself.
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